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Sweet, Sweet Crack
pairings nature never intended
n00b tweel 
28th-Jul-2006 03:41 am
fuck you chelios
Hi. I'm new.

It must be said. Damn. sharkcowsheep, you're crazy.

And all I have to say to that is this:

Title: "Impromptu to Guns and Carnivorous Plants, but More Like New Saguaro, the Desert Cactus"
Fandom: FFVII
Pairing: Reno x Potted Plant
Rating: NC-17, and also, NP-17, as in, No Plants Allowed under the age of 17 days

Summary: Reno returns to Elena's office to get to the root of things, only to discover she's repotted and moved on with her life, and cultured out the old office. Seriously bad plant jokes in bold.

Another visit to Elena's office? Another bold decision.

The red head Reno waltzed on up into the doorway of Elena's miniscule office to be faced with El-T herself. She bumped into him accidently, her paper box full of useless things cascading into the floor with an unpleasant thud.

"Watch it, jerk!" she retorted, bending down already to gather her belongings.

"Hey, sorry," he replied, noting what a perrrrrfect position she was in right now. Just a little higher with her head and...

"Are you gonna help me or what?" she nearly yelled, and Reno squatted to help her, shoving it all pel-mel into her box. She at last swat his hand away.

"Where you going, El-T?" Reno asked, standing straight, "Got fired?"

"No, and if I did, this place would probably go to hell," she said, pushing a little strand of hair behind her left ear.

"Aww, too bad," Reno joked. But Elena didn't think it was all too funny. She kneed him in the pelvis, oh-so close to his cash and prizes.

"Ey, 'ey, 'ey!" he cried, jumping back on the defencive, "It's just a joke. Sheesh."

"I'm moving down the hall, and it's even smaller." She sighed. "You want those plants? I know you kind of like 'em. I really can't use 'em anyway. They're sort of getting in the way."

Without an answer, Elena left, to her new, but even worse, office. Reno stood steadfast. Give? She was just giving away her plants? This was insanity. This was elegancy. This was... HEAVEN. Reno headed further into her office, and peeked around a tower of boxes to behold a sight not so entirely as he imagined.

Elena had gotten new plants, from a pyxis penis plant (P.P.P. for short) to mini saguaros.

Reno blinked. He blinked again. Again and again, it never changed. This was not near his sexy plant. This was nothing compared to his manly, seductive, juicy plant. He hoped that, the more he blinked, the more it would change into another P.P.P. How weak and feable these plants were. They did not even have pieces of their anatomy to match him. No penises, no vaginas, just a tall pointy thing, and a many short pointy thing. Penises were not pointy. Vaginas were not pointy. Nothing was pointy! Except, perhaps, Elena's head. But that was not the pointy. I mean, that was not the point.

He looked at them with a sad grievance, but picked them up all the same, and toted them to his own office. Setting them on his desk, and closing his heavy wood door, he looked at them with contempt. The seemed to wilt with shame. But then, Reno felt a little bad, as if the P.P.P. was calling him from the great beyond that was the shittiest, shallowest grave ever.

It spoke, "Be one with the Planet. Oops, what a stupid typo. I meant, be one with the Plant."

Reno nodded, and knew what to do.

He gave the saguaro a naughty look, that devillish, fiendish look that lets the onlooker know they're in for a real good treat that he had hidden up his sleeve. I mean, pants.

He slowly unzipped his slacks, letting the saguaro know Reno was at his every command, and though it was decently bright in the office, the plant seemed to woo him into a warm, sweaty state of desire. Reno's tongue rolled around on his lips, temptuously inviting the cactus to enjoy what it's seeing, showing it all of his own goodies, from his rock hard ass, to his already hard and long, dripping cock, to his etched abs, and then, to his desirable face.

He grabbed the saguaro off the desk and put it in his chair. And in one fell swoop, he sat right on the saguaro's hot leaves.

Reno screamed.

And not from pleasure.

But this undeniable pain was pleasure! The very idea that pleasure could come from such a thing was erotic in its own sense! Carefully, and gritting horny teeth, he moved up and down, his ass burning with pain, but his penis burning with pleasure. The saguaro seemed to feel Reno's juicy balls slide up and down its pointed stems, and one of the limbs stroked them. It rubbed them, and Reno was red in the face, sweating, panting with pleasure. He kept going, the pain dulling from endorphins, the pleasure becoming real. The height was being reached, and Reno went faster. He gave the cactus a lap dance the best it knew, and the saguaro gave him the best orgasm Reno knew. He tried to speak, tried to say "I'm going to come", but even this ultimate pleasure was too much.

Reno's back arched, his cry of love emitted from his throat in a voluptuous moan, and his white spray of solace sprang across the room into the corner of his office. The saguaro leaked a greenish-white fluid from a seam in its side, now forever in love with Reno. Reno held himself there, body aching, and cooling from sweat. He stood, the pain in his ass returning. He turned around to see his lover, and cursed.

"Shit, I broke another plant!"

There, sticking from his two peach cheeks, was the piece of broken cactus, its tiny prickles embedded into Reno's tender assflesh.

Getting this one out was going to be a problem.


Limping the next day, Reno found it hard to sit.

At the conference, Elena whispered, "What happened to you?"

Reno replied, "It was your plant."

Elena stared at him, baffled.

But Reno agreed, what happened in his office stays in his office.

... except the trail of blood that goes from there to the bathroom.

Fin. (Hope you like, sharkcowsheep >;D)
28th-Jul-2006 09:01 am (UTC)
My brain, she is destroyed! Little bits of frantically-escaping brain everywhere!

Good job. XD
28th-Jul-2006 09:46 am (UTC)
I'm sorry, darkazriel's brain! :O
28th-Jul-2006 09:47 am (UTC)
That's okay. It was never that well held together anyway.
28th-Jul-2006 04:03 pm (UTC)
HLOMG. A sequel I never, EVER expected. I adore the doomed cactus-love right there at the end, and I have to wonder if Elena replaced her spongy-delicious-raped-to-death pitcher plant with something a little more challenging deliberately. Just to see if he WOULD.

Kinda makes me wonder what's more challenging than a cactus. Could even Reno violate a potted nettle?
(Deleted comment)
28th-Jul-2006 10:49 pm (UTC)
Poison ivy would be pretty mean. I think it comes close, yes. Begin the ivy sex!
28th-Jul-2006 11:11 pm (UTC)
Even after seeing the Cactuar x Sephiroth fics, I think this might have just scarred me for life. XD Loved the wordplay!
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