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Sweet, Sweet Crack
pairings nature never intended
Recent Entries 
4th-Nov-2007 08:09 pm - What's the opposite of phone sex?
Jenova says pie is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Title: Last Call
Fandom: FFVII (AC)
Pairing: Cloud's Phone x Kadaj's Phone
Rating: PG
Summary: Kadaj's phone discovers the love of its life over an unexpected connection, but its signal can't reach where Cloud's phone must go.

Warning: Cell phones have never been proven to actually cause cancer, but they can certainly cause AAAANGST. You already know Cloud's phone dies anyway. It gets a longer death scene than Bahamut, Yazoo, Loz, and hundreds of innocent citizens of Midgar COMBINED. Damn right it's a character.

That didn’t mean it had to enjoy being used to abuse the entire upper-level secretary corps at Shin-Ra in an attempt to talk to the president. Again.Collapse )

Huzzah for morbid bonus omake!Collapse )

Jenova says pie is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Title: I Promise
Fandom: FFVII (AC)
Pairing: Aeris/Kadaj (plus some Aeris/Zack, but ehn.)
Rating: PG
Length: Short

Summary: Kadaj finds out that the afterlife isn't what he was expecting, but makes the most of it anyway.

“You,” Kadaj said, “are not Mother.”Collapse )
7th-May-2007 04:05 pm - It tastes like burning!
Title: Curry
Fandom: FFVII
Pairing: Hojo/Zack
Rating: PG

Summary: It's just a routine checkup, right?

“So…Zachary. How are you feeling?”Collapse )
22nd-Apr-2007 10:00 pm - Smokin-hot motorpr0nz!
Title: Finely-Tuned Piece
Fandom: FFVII
Theme: #14, "spinning"
Pairing: Fenrir x Shin-Ra Helicopter (plus a bonus Cloud x Tseng if you really squint :D)
Rating: PG (hey, they're machines! No naughty bits!)

Summary: Cloud's motorcycle and a nameless Shin-Ra chopper meet in the middle of nowhere as their respective pilots also meet in the middle of nowhere. Can a sturdy hard-riding machine meet the erotic demands of an anonymous, exquisitely-engineered stranger?


“You have no idea how much I’d love to be less intricate…how many times I’ve wished that I were as…as crude as a motorcycle…”Collapse )

Aaaaaand, a super party bonus omake.Collapse )

3rd-Mar-2007 10:31 pm(no subject)
Oh, yeah. I'm not dead. Not yet. I come bearing yet another KttK fic. Fake lj-cut to my LJ. O NOES!

Title: A Role Model
Fandom: Keys to the Kingdom
Theme: #27, Green
Pairing: Arthur Penhaligon/Ray Green
Rating: PG? PG-13?
Summary: Or should it be Ray Green/Arthur Penhaligon? Word of Arthur’s exploits reaches the recruits in the Glorious Army of the Architect.
27th-Feb-2007 04:58 pm - Iron Chef Hollow Bastion
Title: A Little Too Salty
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts 2
Theme: #10, "sweet sweet money"
Pairing: Scrooge McDuck/Leon/Cloud
Rating: PG-13

Summary: Scrooge thinks he's got his ice-cream recipe just about perfect! He tries out his 'special batch' on two handy Hollow Bastion residents.

“Sea salt!” said Scrooge McDuck. “Mostly.”Collapse )

There's no ocean in Hollow Bastion. How did you think he got sea salt flavor?
24th-Dec-2006 12:22 am - A very porridge-y feelin'
Deliciously Moist
Title: "Magic Shoes"
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts 2
Pairing: Piglet/Sora's Sneakers
Rating: PG (wholesome family reading!)

Summary: It's a beautiful day, and Piglet has that porridge-y feeling in his middle again. Sora takes a break from his adventures in the Hundred Acre Wood and helps him feel much better.

(reposted from its original home in yaoi_challenge, where it was originally written for the Yuletide round)

“Piglet,” said Pooh thoughtfully, “This is all Very Peculiar, I think.”Collapse )
2nd-Dec-2006 12:03 am - When Wings Collide
In celebration of OFFICIAL WINGSHIP DAY (dude, Crisis Core trailer) I bring you a big ol' bucket of dirty dirty wingsex! If you haven't actually watched the trailer, read no further! There will be hot and juicy spoilers! Or rather, just the one hot and juicy spoiler. About, you know, the fact that Angeal has a wing.

Rating: Werksafe.
Fandom: FFVII (Crisis Core-Era)
Pairing: Sephiroth's Wing x Angeal's Wing
(plus bonus Wingy Tseng, Reeve, Cait, Zack, and Cloud. It's sex because wings are sex, you see?)

By maeveth: UntitledCollapse )

By sharkcowsheep: Zack Has a SandwichCollapse )

By sharkcowsheep: Screw It, Everybody Gets OneCollapse )

By maeveth: Wait wait wait I got another!!Collapse )
22nd-Nov-2006 05:20 pm - Cloud Sucks It Up Again
Deliciously Moist
Title: "The Day Everything Owned Cloud, Part II: This Time It's Personal"
Fandom: FFVII-AC
Pairing: Cloud/Reno/Rufus/Shinra security personnel/Cid/waitress/KadajYazooLoz
Rating: PG-13

Summary: The stunning conclusion to "The Day Everything Owned Cloud". The later half of one inconvenient and humiliating 24-hour interval in the life of Cloud Strife, Delivery Boy.

Cloud fights the urge to kiss him out of pure gratitude...Collapse )
20th-Sep-2006 04:33 pm - Pornographic Palms
Title: Dirty Hands
Fandom: FFVII (post-AC)
Pairing: Denzel/Cait Sith
Rating: PG

Summary: Cait reads Denzel's palm, and finds the text surprisingly steamy!

“Only girls play with dolls,” Denzel told the little robot cat.Collapse )
2nd-Sep-2006 07:06 pm - Cloud Sucks It Up
Deliciously Moist
Title: The Day Everything Owned Cloud
Fandom: FFVII (pre-AC)
Pairing: Cloud x Reno
Rating: PG
Summary: The title says it all, really--everything in this fic owns Cloud, including coffee, his motorcycle, his phone, and lunch. And Reno, of course.

How art thou pwnt? Let me count the ways!Collapse )
Title: "Warm and Fluffy"
Fandom: FFVII (AC)
Pairing: Cait Sith x Loz (mpreg)
Rating: PG

Okay. Me? Going to hell. Going STRAIGHT to hell. I said I'd never do mpreg but starherd happened to mention it when my brain was feeling tender and this picture dropped out a few hours later. It's worksafe--i.e. no naughty bits showing--but it's still the implausibly budding man-fruit of interspecies union, so your call there.

CHECK IT OUTCollapse )

29th-Jul-2006 09:03 am - Weapon Chibi Slash, #3
Title: "E-Mag Hearts Masamune Liek Woah"
Fandom: FFVII
Rating: G

Just because the Turk e-mag rods don't have names doesn't mean they can't have spirits too! This one's a bit star-struck by Masamune, but Masa has so been there and done that and anyway the kid's too SHORT.

OMG LUVZCollapse )

the original version didn't have the boxers, but not even reno's baton would be so tarty.
29th-Jul-2006 03:53 am - I R teh WEEN
fuck you chelios
I realised the last one was kinda crappy. So I did this one in hopes of winning you back.

Title: "The Bed and Breakfast of CEOs"
Fandom: FF7
Theme: #10, "sweet, sweet money"
Pairing: Palmer x Heidegger
Rating: R for only one reason: Palmer Penis™!
Summary: And by "bed and breakfast", I mean something which is given to you that's worth more than what you paid for. And by that, I mean that most bed and breakfast's are pretty humble, asking for a relatively low price, and then giving you really good service. AND I WOULD KNOW.

Hey—hey—hey—hey! I used to be one!Collapse )
29th-Jul-2006 01:55 am - like a virgin, but not
fuck you chelios
Hi, I'm still pretty new. Yay, for me. Thanks for liking my crap stuff. It makes a retard feel pretty happy. And if any of you are retarded or know retards, I'm sorry for my indiscretion. But not really.

To-day's is a gift for me, myself, and I, and I hope you like it as much as I like it. Which isn't very much, but it was still fun to write. That's the point of 30_whowhatnow, right? Or is the point more along the lines of "to indulge in crackfic"? This place is so cool. Can this place get any better? I SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT. (whisper whisper, it can, don't let me tell you lies like that).

Title: "Boy Toy Gone Wrong"
Fandom: FF7
Pairing: Reeve x Cait Sith Doll
Rating: R to G

He sat down to work.Collapse )
28th-Jul-2006 06:12 pm - ZOMG NEW POSTER
Hellolololo~! It is Bedlam14, the infamous gender-neutral~! ...Unless you've never heard of it, in which case, erm. I'm innocent. Sweet and naive.
Nobody? ::weep::

Fandom: Keys to the Kingdom
Theme: #25, Completely unimpressed
Pairing: Suzy/???????
Rating: PG
Summary: Suzy Turquoise Blue is tired to being ignored by her one true love. She decides to take matters into her own hands and makes a bold move! But will her heart’s desire respond?! ...No, actually that's all a lie.
I don't own KttK.... and if Garth Nix ever read this.... I'm not sure what he'd do. Probably defenestrate me, for one thing. Who knows?

THIS IS A LINK TO MY LJ. That was a public service announcement.
fuck you chelios
Uuuweeee, this is a cool place. I will have much fun here. I would like to introduce a series of ficcies that I am titling "箆棒二人組", or "Absurd Couple". I'll start soft (for my own sake). And then proceed on with real crackfic. And if you like these, I have a whole other series of ficcies that's just ready to be written right after 箆棒二人組. So! On with it, then?

Title: "Race of the Stoics"
Fandom: FF7
Theme: #13, "Bet you can't get there in time"
Pairing: Vincent x Red XIII
Rating: R? NC-17? Not sure. One of those two...

It was, to say, remarkable.Collapse )
28th-Jul-2006 03:41 am - n00b tweel
fuck you chelios
Hi. I'm new.

It must be said. Damn. sharkcowsheep, you're crazy.

And all I have to say to that is this:

Title: "Impromptu to Guns and Carnivorous Plants, but More Like New Saguaro, the Desert Cactus"
Fandom: FFVII
Pairing: Reno x Potted Plant
Rating: NC-17, and also, NP-17, as in, No Plants Allowed under the age of 17 days

Summary: Reno returns to Elena's office to get to the root of things, only to discover she's repotted and moved on with her life, and cultured out the old office. Seriously bad plant jokes in bold.

Reno nodded, and knew what to do.Collapse )
26th-Jul-2006 03:23 pm - Weapon Chibi Slash #2
Title: "Souba Doesn't Heart Cerberus"
Fandom: FFVII (AC)
Pairing: Cerberus x Souba
Rating: G

The spirit of Cerberus is a cheerful sort most of the time--something about having three barrels, as they say, disposes one positively toward the world. Cerberus likes people! Cerberus especially likes the spirit of Souba, because they're fancy, but still gets a little horked off when Souba calls him 'plebeian'. Souba insists they only put up with Cerberus because he's a demon in bed.

Look, Souba! I'm doing my Aeris impression!Collapse )

(I was going to do more shading on these guys, but my eyes melted and ran out of my face. Sorry!)
25th-Jul-2006 11:25 pm - Weapon Chibi Slash #1
Avocado: delicious materia
Title: "Velvet Nightmare Hearts Dual Hound"
Fandom: FFVII (AC)
Pairing: The anthropomorphic interpretation of Dual Hound x the anthropomorphic interpretation of Velvet Nightmare, g'duh.
Rating: G

Returning to the theme of the souls of weapons, this bit celebrates the adorable love shared by Velvet Nightmare and Dual Hound. It is completely worksafe and G-rated. You can think about it in a filthy sexual way if you WANT, but for me this is pure sugar fluff and happiness.

...and that's partially because Dual Hound looks kinda like a Boston terrier got it on with Pikachu. Twice.

Squee!Collapse )

sometimes velvet nightmare throws tennis balls for them. seriously.
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